Name: Emoji dumping.
Age: No more than 15.
Appearance: A picture of a black heart and a picture of a suitcase.
Are you taking me on holiday to India, where we’ll dine at the 24-hour Black Heart restaurant in Kookas, Jaipur? No, you idiot. You’re dumped.
What? Isn’t it obvious? The black heart denotes the death of our love; the suitcase means it’s time for me to pack my bags. Perfectly clear.
It wasn’t clear at all! Why didn’t you just write it in words? Listen, I’m a busy person. I don’t have time to move my thumb a fraction of an inch more than twice to tell my romantic partner that I want to uncouple.
This is uniquely cruel of you. Oh, hardly unique. The dating site Finding the One polled 2,000 users and found that a third had been dumped by emojis.
God, is this where we are as a society? What’s not to like? It’s efficient, concise and fun.
It’s not fun! I thought we were in love. Oh, rain cloud, sad face with a single tear, front door.
You’re sad because it’s raining and you’re stuck inside? No, I’m reasserting that you’re dumped. I’m sad, but after a stormy relationship I’m showing you the door.
Gosh, this is making me feel incredibly melty face. Excuse me? I don’t know what that one means.
Aha, not so much fun when someone does it to you, is it? Fine, the trend is not as simple as it sounds. Emojis are vague and open to interpretation, so the first dumping message usually has to be clarified. One survey respondent said she didn’t understand when her boyfriend sent her the suitcase emoji. She had to reply with a picture of a question mark.
And they say conversation is dead. It isn’t dead, it has just changed. Possibly for the better. This whole Pass notes could have been me doing a suitcase, you doing a question mark, then me doing three suitcases in a row and unfollowing you. Wouldn’t that have been better?
No! At least put some effort into it. Oh, you want a typed emoji? How’s this: (︶︿︶)
I don’t like emoji dumping at all. Fine, I’ll text you in words.
Or you could tell me face to face, like an adult. Red diagonal cross. Sick face. Toilet.
Do say: “Broken heart, suitcase, crying face.”
Don’t say: “Warthog, dancing woman, confetti horn.”